an echo (for billy)

he was sweet
and gentle
and loving
but there was more to him
within
at the end
just before that deepest silence
bore him away
beyond
he roared
like the mightiest lion
a sound so fiercely terrible
and beautiful
and wild
the sound of all he was
and
as i lay beside him
my hand rested gently on his shoulder
that sound entered me
through the growing cracks
in my breaking heart
and there it remains
and shall evermore
an echo
of a wild and beautiful and loving creature
who
for so many years
walked beside me on this journey we shared
and allowed me to love him
all of him
to his very last
and i am grateful

adjusting to life indoors

i had always let jack and billy be outside during the day and got them back inside before dark.  i haven't let jack outside on his own since billy was attacked.  he's been pretty good with it.  he mostly likes to nap on the bed during the day anyway so it hasn't been drastically different.  he has 24 hour access to his outdoor enclosure which is attached to his room at the back of the house by way of a cat door through the wall so he can go "outside" whenever he wants.  he also now has 24 hour access to rest of the house so he can have as much of our companionship as he needs which i think has been good for him.  he and billy were in the womb together and spent every day and night of the last 13+ years together.  losing his brother and life partner have been hard for jack so i've been working on making things a little more "catty" for him inside.  i potted some grass for him and bought him a scratching post with toys attached to it, a felted wool cat cave, and probably the best thing of all, a harness and leash so i can safely take him outside with me.  after checking out a few harnesses we found one that fits him well and is comfortable for him.  we went out twice today and he seemed to really enjoy being able to get out for a while.  i let him lead and when he was ready to go in he let me know by returning to the front door.

still a little suspicious of the cat cave (left) but the scratching post seems acceptable (my favorite part are the marbles in the tracks in the base)

eat grass not house plants

some serious sun puddling on the bed

investigating the indoor jungle

checking out some bird activity in the orchard garden

hangin' on the patio

doing the best i know to do for him.  hope he knows it.  hope billy knew it too.

anniversary outing

had lots of fun and took lots of bad pictures of it.  here are a few:

cruisin' to the county landfill with my date and furry chaperone

finishing up dropping off the recycling (that is a squint smile not a smirk)

checked out the bounty at the spca thrift

pinned to the bulletin board at the spca.  i think the kitten has every right to be concerned.

quite a menagerie of metal beasts at the nursery

spotted big foot

sat on a very cold stone bench...briefly

after that we picked up a few goodies at the health food store and headed home.  it was a good day but everyday we get to be together is a good day.

6th anniversary

celebrating 6 years with a man who inspires me daily to manifest my highest and deepest.
may we have many more together.
love you, staal...madly.

being with loss

how do we learn
to be
with that which isn't?
and how can absence
silence
stillness
be so palpable
so painful
so undeniably present?

william walter purrbody (my billy mew)

billy and his brother jack were orphaned before they were a week old.  my aunt kathryn was bottle feeding the two of them along with their three other littermates when i came to visit her one day in august 2005.  i took billy and jack home with me that day and bottle fed them until they were old enough to eat solid food.  we've spent the last 13+ years together.
on wednesday billy was badly injured by another animal (likely a bobcat). he spent all day yesterday at the local veterinary clinic being treated.  the worst of billy's injuries were inaccessible and after doing everything possible for him the vet released billy and we brought him home late in the day yesterday.  although he had improved a little during the day he began to decline fairly quickly last evening.  i had set up a little hospital for him near the wood stove so he'd be warm.  by about 8:30-9pm he began meowing.  i comforted him and he settled down and i thought he would be able to sleep for a while so i left him and got into bed myself.  after a few minutes he began meowing again so i got up and went to check on him.  it was clear then that he was dying and asking me to stay with him and see him on his way.  so i did.  staal brought me a pad to put on the floor next to billy's bedding.  i lay my hand gently on his shoulder and stroked him softly when he seemed to need it.  i told him i loved him and what an amazing cat he was.  i thanked him.  i told him it was okay to go now, he'd done a good job.  i stayed with him that way as his body shut down and he found his way beyond.  he died a little after midnight.
this morning i buried him in the orchard garden next to my little meditation hut where he liked to sunbathe and nap sometimes.  staal said some beautiful words for him. 
the grief is coming in waves.  i don't feel what i've said here honors him as well as i'd like and maybe when i'm less raw i'll be able to do a better job of it.

tiny but fierce...giving me a good chomp 2005

i love you, billy mew.  you are forever a part of me.