the bargers

though

in truth

they never were

the

just

bargers

barger and mrs.

neighbors of my grandparents

i don't know what brought them to mind

maybe the gray

rainy morning

and the smell of wood smoke

they have only ever been

an imagining

as a child

i heard them spoken of

by my great aunt and grandparents

gathered around the big table

laden with my grandmother's cooking

as i sat silently amongst the giants

of my little existence

all i can recall ever hearing about them

(i never once saw either of them)

is

mrs. barger was always cold

and mr. barger

barger

smoked cigarettes 

(maybe)

the rest

like so much of my current conception of reality

was left to my imagination

i imagined them

and still do

an elderly couple

gaunt

and ghostly

eating soup in their dark, little house

a perpetual curl of smoke rising from the chimney

poor

but not wanting

and that is where and how they will always exist

because that is the only place they have ever existed for me

in my imagination

haunting that little house

contentedly eating soup by a warm fire

forever

 

happy birthday, zane grey!

 

 zane is 9 years old today!

 

happy birthday, my friend, i love you.

first snow of the season

 but it can't put out the fire in those persimmon leaves...

stay pink, benji cat

at the beginning of last month benji had some kind of energetic collapse.  normally, he's a very active cat, so, when he suddenly shut down, i knew something was really wrong.  one day he just hunkered down on the bed and seemed to be having trouble staying conscious.  

i got him an appointment with the vet for the next morning.  she checked him out and couldn't find anything obviously, physically wrong with him.  he didn't have a fever or any respiratory symptoms or digestive symptoms.  she said to keep an eye on him and if he showed no improvement or worsened to bring him back.  

later in the day, benji seemed a bit worse and i was very worried so i left a message on the after hours voice mail for the doc.  the next morning we got a call from the vet's office saying we could bring benji in.  

doctor wise (such a great name for a doctor) ordered some blood work and after the tech took the sample we went home to wait for results.  that afternoon i got a call from the doctor saying benji was anemic, his platelets were low, and she had sent out for additional tests to rule out leukemia and fiv.  

after a restless night, the morning brought good news.  benji was negative for leukemia and fiv and the doctor thought his condition may be the result of an autoimmune attack on his platelets so she prescribed an oral steroid.  i gave benji the medication twice a day, every day, and after a short time he seemed to be feeling much better.  he even seemed to like the medication and would come to me when he knew it was time and open his mouth for me when i offered the syringe.  

after some frustration in locating the prescription at the pharmacy (likely due to some creative spelling of our last name), we got things figured out.

 

after a few weeks, we took benji in for a follow up blood test to check his platelet count.  when we were getting ready to leave the vet's office, doctor wise came up to us, smiling, and said, "he's pink".  she said that when we first brought him in, weeks earlier, he had looked pale to her, but he seemed to have much better color this time around so she was encouraged that the steroid had helped.  i got an email from her later that day when the test results were back saying his platelets were normal and i could taper him off the medication.  

the doc thinks the autoimmune attack could have been an isolated incident and that benji should be okay now without any medication.  

 

so far, so good.  stay pink, benji cat.  we love you.

a tough job

for some reason in all the time we've lived here we never got around to painting and trimming the back wall of the house.  usually this would be the kind of project that staal would take on but there's lots to do around here and he's spread pretty thin so i thought i would give it a go.  

mostly i wanted to do it because i was afraid to do it.  living with someone who is quite skilled and has been doing this kind of thing for more years than i've been alive makes tackling a job like this really intimidating (terrifying) for someone like me who has to stumble through every step along the way knowing i will make a lot of mistakes and the end result will not be perfection even though i did the best i could.  staal does really good work and i knew i could never live up to his standards on this but i wanted to do it anyway because i saw it as a chance to break through some self-limiting attitudes i hold.

there's a bit more to do before i can call it finished but here are a few photos...

 

it's been a tough job on many levels.  i have done my best and it isn't perfect.

 

smoke and mirrors

been a strange sort of dreamscape around here for the last week or so. the sun is a just a faint orange disk behind the smoke and the air quality index has been fluctuating between the 500s and 300s (currently 394) so we've been staying indoors as much as possible. still, we're not on fire, we're not sick, we're not hungry, and i'm grateful.

 

garden photos

it was a slow, bumpy start in the garden this year but it's looking great out there now.  i've taken a ton of pictures but haven't gotten around to posting any here for quite a while (there are a few on my instagram). here are some of my favorites...

                                                                                                                                           

away from the madness

 saturday morning

 out erranding 

 this little town is too busy today

 too mad 

 and i am too tired 

 to pretend 

 polite smiles and nods 

 are more than i can muster 

 i want to go home 

 to be alone 

 away from the madness 

 no one else seems to notice 

 the bobcat kitten lying dead 

 at the edge of the road 

 its beautifully patterned face 

 breaks my heart 

 it is the only thing that makes any sense

cats

jack and billy would have been fifteen years old yesterday.  i miss them.  a lot.  they changed my life and saved my life on more than one occasion.  they'll always be with me.

i was looking through the pictures i have of them, trying to find something nice of the two of them together that i haven't already posted.  this one (below) struck me for the feeling it stirred.  not a great photograph but just a snapshot that seems to capture the fleeting beauty of our time together on this plane.

losing billy and jack made last year a difficult one for me.  and, if i'm honest with myself, i'm still grieving.  i didn't think i wanted another cat but that turned out not to matter.  when benji came to me i knew i could care for him, i could give him a safe and comfortable life, but i wasn't sure i could love him.  even after months caring for him i found it difficult to bond with him in any meaningful way.  and then, little by little, i found myself falling in love with him.  we celebrated benji's first birthday on july 29th.

there's a lot of cat packed into that furry little body.  there's something deeply wild in him but there's also a domestic aspect to his character that shows itself more and more as he matures, a willingness/need to bond with his human (and canine) companions.  he is intelligent and interesting and loving and i am (we are) so happy he is here.

happy birthday, boys, i love you.

coming along

may was quite cool and often overcast but things are warming up now and the gardens are starting to look like they'll give it a go...

more pictures

don't have many words these days but still taking snapshots of things that catch my eye...

easter sunday

no family gathering this year but the ducks made sure i still got to hunt some eggs...

may you be safe, may you be well, may you be happy.

saturday morning stroll