the end of our morning walk
nearing home
he pauses and holds out a paw
(the one he injured the day before)
looking at me a bit helplessly
it's just a scrape
and he's only bumped it
but his expression is so earnestly imploring
it breaks my heart
i ask him if he wants me to carry him
this seems enough to encourage him onward
and he manages without the slightest limp
as we walk i tell him
i would carry you
...forever
and i mean it
he carries me everyday
though
in truth
they never were
the
just
bargers
barger and mrs.
neighbors of my grandparents
i don't know what brought them to mind
maybe the gray
rainy morning
and the smell of wood smoke
they have only ever been
an imagining
as a child
i heard them spoken of
by my great aunt and grandparents
gathered around the big table
laden with my grandmother's cooking
as i sat silently amongst the giants
of my little existence
all i can recall ever hearing about them
(i never once saw either of them)
is
mrs. barger was always cold
and mr. barger
barger
smoked cigarettes
(maybe)
the rest
like so much of my current conception of reality
was left to my imagination
i imagined them
and still do
an elderly couple
gaunt
and ghostly
eating soup in their dark, little house
a perpetual curl of smoke rising from the chimney
poor
but not wanting
and that is where and how they will always exist
because that is the only place they have ever existed for me
in my imagination
haunting that little house
contentedly eating soup by a warm fire
forever
at the beginning of last month benji had some kind of energetic collapse. normally, he's a very active cat, so, when he suddenly shut down, i knew something was really wrong. one day he just hunkered down on the bed and seemed to be having trouble staying conscious.
i got him an appointment with the vet for the next morning. she checked him out and couldn't find anything obviously, physically wrong with him. he didn't have a fever or any respiratory symptoms or digestive symptoms. she said to keep an eye on him and if he showed no improvement or worsened to bring him back.
later in the day, benji seemed a bit worse and i was very worried so i left a message on the after hours voice mail for the doc. the next morning we got a call from the vet's office saying we could bring benji in.
doctor wise (such a great name for a doctor) ordered some blood work and after the tech took the sample we went home to wait for results. that afternoon i got a call from the doctor saying benji was anemic, his platelets were low, and she had sent out for additional tests to rule out leukemia and fiv.
after a restless night, the morning brought good news. benji was negative for leukemia and fiv and the doctor thought his condition may be the result of an autoimmune attack on his platelets so she prescribed an oral steroid. i gave benji the medication twice a day, every day, and after a short time he seemed to be feeling much better. he even seemed to like the medication and would come to me when he knew it was time and open his mouth for me when i offered the syringe.
 |
| after some frustration in locating the prescription at the pharmacy (likely due to some creative spelling of our last name), we got things figured out. |
after a few weeks, we took benji in for a follow up blood test to check his platelet count. when we were getting ready to leave the vet's office, doctor wise came up to us, smiling, and said, "he's pink". she said that when we first brought him in, weeks earlier, he had looked pale to her, but he seemed to have much better color this time around so she was encouraged that the steroid had helped. i got an email from her later that day when the test results were back saying his platelets were normal and i could taper him off the medication.
the doc thinks the autoimmune attack could have been an isolated incident and that benji should be okay now without any medication.
for some reason in all the time we've lived here we never got around to painting and trimming the back wall of the house. usually this would be the kind of project that staal would take on but there's lots to do around here and he's spread pretty thin so i thought i would give it a go.
mostly i wanted to do it because i was afraid to do it. living with someone who is quite skilled and has been doing this kind of thing for more years than i've been alive makes tackling a job like this really intimidating (terrifying) for someone like me who has to stumble through every step along the way knowing i will make a lot of mistakes and the end result will not be perfection even though i did the best i could. staal does really good work and i knew i could never live up to his standards on this but i wanted to do it anyway because i saw it as a chance to break through some self-limiting attitudes i hold.
there's a bit more to do before i can call it finished but here are a few photos...
it's been a tough job on many levels. i have done my best and it isn't perfect.
