a tough job

for some reason in all the time we've lived here we never got around to painting and trimming the back wall of the house.  usually this would be the kind of project that staal would take on but there's lots to do around here and he's spread pretty thin so i thought i would give it a go.  

mostly i wanted to do it because i was afraid to do it.  living with someone who is quite skilled and has been doing this kind of thing for more years than i've been alive makes tackling a job like this really intimidating (terrifying) for someone like me who has to stumble through every step along the way knowing i will make a lot of mistakes and the end result will not be perfection even though i did the best i could.  staal does really good work and i knew i could never live up to his standards on this but i wanted to do it anyway because i saw it as a chance to break through some self-limiting attitudes i hold.

there's a bit more to do before i can call it finished but here are a few photos...

 

it's been a tough job on many levels.  i have done my best and it isn't perfect.

 

smoke and mirrors

been a strange sort of dreamscape around here for the last week or so. the sun is a just a faint orange disk behind the smoke and the air quality index has been fluctuating between the 500s and 300s (currently 394) so we've been staying indoors as much as possible. still, we're not on fire, we're not sick, we're not hungry, and i'm grateful.

 

garden photos

it was a slow, bumpy start in the garden this year but it's looking great out there now.  i've taken a ton of pictures but haven't gotten around to posting any here for quite a while (there are a few on my instagram). here are some of my favorites...

                                                                                                                                           

away from the madness

 saturday morning

 out erranding 

 this little town is too busy today

 too mad 

 and i am too tired 

 to pretend 

 polite smiles and nods 

 are more than i can muster 

 i want to go home 

 to be alone 

 away from the madness 

 no one else seems to notice 

 the bobcat kitten lying dead 

 at the edge of the road 

 its beautifully patterned face 

 breaks my heart 

 it is the only thing that makes any sense

cats

jack and billy would have been fifteen years old yesterday.  i miss them.  a lot.  they changed my life and saved my life on more than one occasion.  they'll always be with me.

i was looking through the pictures i have of them, trying to find something nice of the two of them together that i haven't already posted.  this one (below) struck me for the feeling it stirred.  not a great photograph but just a snapshot that seems to capture the fleeting beauty of our time together on this plane.

losing billy and jack made last year a difficult one for me.  and, if i'm honest with myself, i'm still grieving.  i didn't think i wanted another cat but that turned out not to matter.  when benji came to me i knew i could care for him, i could give him a safe and comfortable life, but i wasn't sure i could love him.  even after months caring for him i found it difficult to bond with him in any meaningful way.  and then, little by little, i found myself falling in love with him.  we celebrated benji's first birthday on july 29th.

there's a lot of cat packed into that furry little body.  there's something deeply wild in him but there's also a domestic aspect to his character that shows itself more and more as he matures, a willingness/need to bond with his human (and canine) companions.  he is intelligent and interesting and loving and i am (we are) so happy he is here.

happy birthday, boys, i love you.

coming along

may was quite cool and often overcast but things are warming up now and the gardens are starting to look like they'll give it a go...

more pictures

don't have many words these days but still taking snapshots of things that catch my eye...