Saturday, October 24, 2015

what's it all for?

yesterday staal and i went in to town to get a few groceries and hardware items.  there were a lot of people in the grocery store, most of whom didn't seem to be much aware of where they were, what they were doing, or of anyone else around them.  `they were alive and functioning in many ways but there was something missing, something hollow about them.  it's hard to describe.  humans without humanity maybe.  when we left the store i felt a little sad.
our next stop was the post office.  zane and i waited in the car while staal went in for some stamps.  there are some trees and bushes at the end of the building and i often see cats lazing there in the shade.  they have the look of being somewhat feral but fed.  they're a little dirty and some of them are a little skinny but they don't seem completely uncared for.  yesterday a man was sitting there with a few of the cats.  he sat crosslegged on the ground reading.  the cats took turns rubbing and bumping against him, one even crawled into his lap for a while, and he stroked them gently as he read his book.  it was very heartening to see.  this man had what seemed to be lost to the people i'd just seen in the grocery store.

i used to drive myself into despair wondering what life was for, wondering why i was here.  i kept coming back to the conclusion that life is meaningless.  and so i thought that if life was meaningless my existence was pointless.  but after a while i came to realize that meaninglessness and pointlessness were not really the same thing.  i still believe that life is inherently meaningless but not in a negative way.  i think each life has to be made meaningful through the thoughts and actions of the one living it.  my life is not necessarily important or meaningful in any grand or cosmic sense but it is meaningful to me.  each day i try to be loving and kind and thoughtful.  i care for my husband, my gardens, my animals, my family and friends.  those are the things that make this life meaningful to me.  i cannot change the ugliness and meanness in the world but i can work in my own life on this 6 acres to put forth the love and caring and reverence i'd like to see everywhere.  and so i grub in the gardens and do what i can to make this a vibrant and welcoming place for all the lives that find their way here.