august 5th

jack and billy were orphaned at a few days old and my aunt kathryn was bottle feeding them and their three siblings when i visited one day.  i fell in love with them and brought them home with me that day, the 20th of august 2005.  they were tiny and helpless.  i bottle fed them every few hours and kept them warm and safe---i was a pretty good mama cat.  their eyes had just recently opened and they were somewhere between crawling and just starting to walk on wobbly little legs.  i figured they were about 2 weeks old so i chose august 5th as a birth date for them (my aunt may know the actual date of their births).  today they would have been 14 years old (i'm giving jack the full 14 since he was so close and he definitely earned it).  jack and billy's sister, sophia, still lives with my aunt kathryn.  she's become quite the queen of the castle...

happy birthday, sophia louise whitestocking!

i miss jack and billy very much and today i celebrate their lives and give thanks for the time we had together.  here are a few videos i took of them over the years (because i need to hear them and see them today).


a couple days after bringing them home.  the light is too dim to see much but the best part is billy's enormous purr coming out of his tiny body...

early explorations on the porch in catheys valley...

happy little savages...

miss that purr...

love bites...

he was a talker...

happy birthday, my little beasties, i love you.

july garden in pictures

i was there

i don't know
if you knew
i was there
i thought it would be best
i thought it would be easier
for you
if i didn't touch you
if i didn't speak
it had seemed so hard for you earlier
when the end began
so hard for you to let go
my touch
my words of comfort
only solidifying a bond that needed to loosen
and so
i helped you settle your body into a safe and comfortable place
told you to try to sleep
and dream of billy
and then i said no more
and though i desperately wanted to hold you
and stroke your sleek coat
i thought it would be best
i thought it would be easier
for you
if i didn't
so i stayed silent
i stayed still
but close
hoping you remembered me telling you
what a magnificent cat you were
what a dear friend
thanking you for your companionship
telling you
i'll love you
always
hoping you knew
i was there
for you
as i listened to the faint whisper of your last breath
and the silence
as you slipped off into the night

i'm not the only one

i'm not the only one who lost a good friend...

i'm sorry for your loss. 

black jack mcmew

jack passed away of heart failure at home at about 4:00 this morning.  i stayed with him as he passed.  we buried him next to billy in the orchard garden.  he is already deeply missed.  i can't say anymore right now.

thank you, jack, my dear friend, for walking with me, with us, on this journey.  you are a part of me always.  i love you. 

happy father's day

my dad always had a garden in the summer when i was a kid.  my brother and i used to help hunt tomato worms sometimes.  i liked the magic of watching the plants grow and fruit, and the smell of the damp soil, and the warmth of the sun.  my own gardens hold a new magic for me and gardening has been a source of personal and spiritual growth and healing.  it's an important part of my daily life and i'm thankful my dad introduced me to the magic of it.

now that we've had a couple weeks of warm weather the garden is finally starting to take off...


summer squashes are looking happy and starting to fruit.

beans, popcorn, and cucumbers growing well.

lovely little lettuces.

good year for cherries, raspberries, and mulberries.  blackberries will be coming along in a couple weeks.

i picked a few.

happy father's day, dad.  thank you.

green

looking out into the garden
i am moved to say something
about the green of it
but this is already wrong
or
maybe
incomplete is closer
it isn't green
not only green
but a multitude of green
an infinite, everchanging possibility of green
luminous
radiant
golden green
shining from within
every moment of sunlight that ever was
ever will be
but this is no closer to the truth of it
just crude labels
and i wonder
what there is to say
about the truth of anything
that
once spoken
won't be lost in translation
and
maybe
it is better to remain silent
true
green